Will psilocybin fix all my problems?

Will psilocybin fix all my problems?

The short answer to this question is, no. Psilocybin, San Pedro and ayahuasca aren’t a magic pill that sorts out your life for you. They can, however, allow you to approach your situation from a completely new perspective, which at one and the same time changes everything, and it changes nothing. But what does that mean?!

I will be open about my own journey with plant medicines, which is the reason I founded A New Day Retreats:

Growing up I had a difficult childhood with a mother who had a lot of psychological (and physical) problems. Throughout my youth I spent so much energy just hating her, a seething, cold hatred that was always present right under the surface. I moved to another country at 18 to get as far away as possible, and the hatred subsided somewhat and turned into a quiet indifference. She passed away when I was 25, having never resolved or spoken about anything. I shed one tear as I sat by her side when she passed away in the hospital. I didn’t go to the funeral.

Fast forward 10-15 years, I thought I had found, if not forgiveness, then at least some peace with it all, but the trauma would resurface every so often during stressful periods of my life. Then one day an acquaintance told me about a psilocybin retreat that had really helped her with her anxiety, so I thought, Why not?

During that 1-to-1 session, I witnessed the most beautiful thing that has ever existed, in my opinion. I saw my mother’s father, he was sitting with her in his lap on the vast body of ice called Greenland under a boundless, blue sky, she must have been around 4 years old. They were singing a duet (which was playing in my headphones), and in that moment I realised that she’s just a child of the universe, just like me, just like you. She didn’t live her life wanting to become a bad mother to me, she didn’t do all the harm she did on purpose. She just tried to live life the best way she knew how, which unfortunately didn’t involve a lot of good mothering to me.

But having seen this, having felt her innocence, her inner child that was so scared, hurt and full of trauma, there suddenly was nothing to forgive. Nothing. All that hatred I had carried around for so many years evaporated, just like that. It changed everything for me.

And at the same time it changed nothing. My life is still my life, I still have to work on my mental and physical health, I still make bad choices from time to time. But now I can continue my journey with such an incredible weight having fallen from my shoulders; few things weigh you down as heavily as hatred.

Sure, there is still a lot of grief for not having had a mother who would bake birthday cakes or pack my school lunch. But now I feel free to just love her, and it’s the most amazing, liberating feeling. I can now spend my energy on other things.

So no, that session didn’t fix all my problems, but it made me able to see my childhood and my mother’s life from a perspective I would probably never have been able to see in any other way, and for that I am extremely grateful.